My Love… And everything in-between…

In this life and this world full of technical and logical views and theories, we forget one thing… Love is the uncontrollable force of Nature. There is nothing you can do to stop it, mend it when it’s broken, or break it when it’s strong. It’s wonderful really. And I wanted that.
Love. Love is the bases of everything. Right now I think bout the most important things we forget to put love in… Marriage… How many of us out there are in love-less marriages to partners we have grown to hate and despise? How horrible it is.

So what is marriage? “What constitutes marriage according to the Bible?”

Answer: The Bible nowhere explicitly states at what exact point God considers a man and a woman to be married. There are three common viewpoints: 1) God only considers a man and a woman married when they are legally married—that is, they become husband and wife in the eyes of the law. 2) A man and a woman are married in God’s eyes when they have completed some kind of formal wedding ceremony involving covenantal vows. 3) God considers a man and a woman to be married at the moment they engage in sexual intercourse. But are these right? I have read many analyses regarding these answers and all seems to be flawed and non mention the word Love, the action Love or the feeling of Love.

I have read so many writing about marriage and about divorce and what the grounds and basis are for each life altering event. I’ve tried to understand the pros and the cons, but still nothing really gave me something real and concrete about these two things. The Bible tells many things and some of them I don’t agree with and some I totally feel should be emphasized more. But one thing that my heart keeps telling is:
God knows our hearts and he knows what we do and the reason why we do what we do. We can fool many around us, we can even fool ourselves but sooner or later God will reveal to us the ‘truth’ something that we know but run away from and he will push us into a corner and then he allows his one gift to us to consume us… Our free WILL.

So is it okay to get divorce? No! It is never okay to divorce, but we are sinful people and God knows that. That is why even though he hates it, it is part of us, separation, death, lies, pain, sorrow and everything in between. But we should never even consider it if we are not sure that marriage has altered us and made us into something we are not proud of and someone who our God is not proud of.

My story about my divorce is something a bit different and I believe that God understands my reasons and this allowed it to happen to me. Today I look back and it’s as if that person I was back then never existed. That she was someone I had created in my mind to feed my ego and the goals and moral beliefs of the people around me. She never wanted such life for herself but she had to do the right thing.

Our perception about marriage:
Everything that we go through in our marriage is because of love or an act of love. Crap. Your spouse does not cheat because they love you. They don’t hit you because they love you. They don’t hurt your children because they love you. We use love the most wonderful thing in this world as a crutch to do awful things to our spouses and guilty them into believing that that is the way love and marriage is suppose to be. It has become our get of out of jail free card and it has got to stop.

What is love: 1 Corinthians 13
1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.8 Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part. 10 But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
I needed love. The kind of love that I believed in and dreamed of but the love I was used to was based on hurt and pain and I wanted a love like the Bible says. I married him because it was the right thing to do. I had his child and that was what my parents their parents before them and before them believed was the right thing to do, even though this marriage will kill the soul of their child, that didn’t matter, it was doing what was right in the eyes of God? Was it though what God would want for us? Yes we have sinned, but wouldn’t getting married for something other than love be a more dreadful sin? Being married in such a way, would cause everything that Corinthians 13 says to happen in the opposite way and marriage becomes a game. Oh how horrible it is to think about it right now. How horrible it was. Even though sex was part of it, even that would only be a fleeting pleasure and balms to the wounds this ‘love’ and ‘marriage’ had scared us with.
It was all a lie. He never loved me from the start and I didn’t expect him too, I just wanted honesty, even though he took my sex. Even though he changed my body and made me bore a child. He never loved me. He betrayed me and lied about it and I was loyal and faithful to him, like he had married me the day we first had sex and even the day we got married I still believed everything that I had gone through was how its suppose to be, that this is how many before me says it is. Though people (especially men) consider getting married the most horrible thing in the world, and a sort of giving away of self. They believe that marriage comes with some sort of physical change which affects us so horribly that we really don’t know the person we are married to at all even though we had been in relationships for many years which kind of makes me feel bad to be a woman, since clearly whatever happens in our lives after marriage we will always be the problem because our husband would have already given up so much for us which we never really asked them too, but because of how we are raised is how its supposed to be.
So how had it all come about? Life is a chase. It’s a series of events that excites us briefly until we find the new best thrill out there. That is why nothing these days lasts. We turn everything into and event a competition and a circus really.
But I don’t think that we get married in thinking we would end up getting divorced. Yes my relationship was a mess. It was for the most part just one big fight and some brief moments of understanding which lead to sex. I still didn’t think that we would end up getting divorced. Our perception of love and what the marriage entails was not the same, and I realized that how he loved me, was not the kind of love I wanted or needed. It was making me into someone I didn’t want to be. I became restless and my heart became heavy. I thought about killing myself because I had made a big mistake and I believed that God wouldn’t forgive me. I didn’t love him, not the way I wanted to love. I didn’t love him enough to forgive me or work on our marriage. It meant nothing to me. I was only there because of the child; our child who had become unhappy because I was unhappy. I only tried for our parents and family and friends, for our reputation but not for me. I knew that I loved him before… So much that I had forgiven him so many things and blindly allowed my ego and those of the people around me to influence the biggest life choice I could ever make. But I never consulted God. I thought that this was what he wanted for me. And even after I had an accident that left me unable to walk a month before my wedding I still believe that I had to fix all my wrongs with this marriage. People say marriage cleanses? Does it really? I think love is the only thing that cleanses.
I got divorce and my reason was irretrievable breakdown of the marriage, I had decided to not mention all the other things that happened because I knew that those things really didn’t matter. Some of it we could fix but I didn’t want to. I wanted me back and I wanted to be happy and be loved. I knew that I was never going to be able to love that man again. I would rather live with God hating me than live in a marriage hating me for forcing myself to ‘love’ him even more.
But God didn’t hate me… He loves me. And with time I saw that. I saw it in the happiness of my child and I saw it in the happiness when other people looked at me and complimented me on how beautiful I looked.
I told God that the man I want to spend the rest of my life with should love me more then he loves himself (how selfish am I) but I know a man like that I will love him for the rest of my days. I will take care of him and help him. I will be his shoulder to lean on and his soldier in this life of war. I will be his best friend and confidant and when we have children, I want it to not be a mistake of an act of shame but a love shared and a life created out of it. I want our love to shine bright and hard in our eyes when days are dark and our lives are shaken.
Ephesians 5: 25-28 – Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
And I waited… Kissed a few frogs… But I waited. And God brought him to me. Or rather me to him…I don’t think we as woman are ever really go out looking for a man, but I believe that man are out looking for us.
God gave me him… He, who is not perfect, doesn’t try to be perfect. But together we learn everyday…
So how do I know his the one?
He told me that he wants to love me even if I didn’t love him. He wanted to love me.
He was nothing like I thought he would be – we as woman make the mistake in acting like we know our man and when they do something we don’t know we say they changed, we need to make peace with the ever changing faces of us (you and him) and if you can’t embrace the real him, not the one you think you saw his not the one. And with the acceptance that I don’t really know him but I could learn to get to know him we worked. He makes me laugh. He feels good. He feeds my soul and my heart and I love him.
The day of our wedding our scripture was 1 Corinthians 13… Which is what I always wanted it to be and that I told God specifically.
Our life isn’t perfect and we allow our ego’s to take over and try to break us down sometimes… But our Love… Oh our Love is a force to be reckoned with. And right now I really don’t care about the future or where we might end up… But I just want to love him and allow him to love me… That is all I need right now and all I ever wanted. Love.