Where Do You Start?
When you are trying to piece together the what seems to be your broken life.
Who do you blame when your existence now lies in a pile of odd shapes and you can’t really figure how it all fit together in the past?
When everyone stands looking at you with their shoulders pulled up and a question mark on their faces.
The look of “why are you looking at me I had nothing to with this” splashed all over their face.
Where does one start?
Do you really want to fix a broken life? Is it really worth the effort and energy?
Why would you want to put something together that for some or other reason was flawed and has now been destroyed and has caused so much destruction in its own right? Why would anyone want that back?
Why not sweep that pile of now nothing together take each piece and dissect it. Take the piece that are good and keep them and the pieces that are not good, burn them. But I can’t just burn them, they make up who I am… Why can’t I just pack them away and maybe later try to make them different, make them better… Why would you want to change something that already is? When you burn something there is no way of going back and looking at it and taking it in one last time before you pack it away again for a moment where you might need it again. It is now ash and you will force yourself to find something new to replace the ashes with something to identify with, but you can now make that once not so good into something good…
Oh you your heart is aching now… How you hate yourself for burning those not so good pieces. How badly do you need them right now to feel good about yourself. So there you are again a pile of hurt and unhappiness? What do you do now?
Now you mope and you complain and you become someone who you thought you will never be. Mean and hurtful and the devil it self… You drown inside your immobility of self. You drown in your worry of no control. You are swimming in a sea of insecurities and half measured self-worth and suddenly you have no-one? For long you looked to other people for fulfilment and now you are alone? What does this mean now?
You have to start. You have to start!
So there is nothing to point you in the right direction besides the good pieces of you which you have kept, whatever it maybe; that becomes your compass when starting your new life. You have to take the ashes of the not so good and scatter them across the lands and don’t worry about people finding out what the not so good in you are, all they will see is the dust of something that was and besides everyone already know what it is you have just been too caught up in it to see it.
So Start with the good in you. Call them by the name… and even then you will still find pieces of not so good hiding away behind the good because we all live in denial about our existence of who and what we think we are… So as you start looking at your life situation, start looking at what drives you… You start analysing your person. You look at your mind as an individual person and start talking to it like it as a personality and a heart and a soul. This will seem absurd at first because it will seem like you are talking to yourself but in actual fact you are speaking to you and now you need to start understanding who you really are and what type of entity you are dealing with? Now this all seems very scary and almost satanic… But it is true, you need to dwell in the empty dark spaces of your mind and see what is lurking there. You hear of people who have done things that are evil and leaves everyone in shock at their behaviour and deeds because they never thought that this person would be capable of such an action, well… We all are. Some of us has not been granted the opportunity to venture and act out these “thoughts” but that does not mean they are not there and so excuses us of any form or wrong doing… Our greater good has more power over us. So that ego does not thrive on wrong and evil, but feeds on right and being seen as good and prim and proper, so it might not ever act out but it still remains a big might.
Even if your mind scares you, realise that it does and stay out of its way. I find that my best therapy for avoiding my mind is by singing or listening to music. The chanting of the beat and the association with the lyrics forces my mind to a place where I’m in charge again and allows me to use it to think, analyse and decide without it interfering.
So where do you start?
By allowing yourself to be broken. Break and hurt and observe what is causing the hurt. See it and name it. Keep the good and burn the not so good. Look again? Listen? Hear what is being said? Call it by its name and be honest about it.
Start with you.